Hack!

SKINOPSIS

Our heart began to race when we looked into this. Winnie Cooper (aka Danica McKellar, the world's sexiest PhD) in a low-budget horror film that's Rated R for amongst other things... nudity! Our mind began to race feverishly with images of this perfect specimen slowly peeling off her top and revealing what we could only imagine was a profoundly delicious pair of sweater puppies. Then, we saw that she was wearing those nerdy glasses that Nina Hartley has taken to wearing as she gets deeper and deeper into middle age. To us, nothing is hotter than those glasses. We'd fuck anything that moves as long as it was wearing those glasses. Anyway, with our expectations at a near record high, y'all can predict the resounding thud with which our dreams crashed to the floor when we realized that, like Kevin Arnold, we would never possess (or in the case of this movie, see) Winnie Cooper's globulars. This is not to say that with the glasses and, eventually, late in the film, skimpy outfits that she wasn't wank-worthy, but we couldn't help but feel an emptiness that only a national tragedy or the loss of a loved one generally can make us feel. That bitch Winnie (or Danica) even teases us late in the film but starting to rip off her top only to stop when some dude gets mauled. Sadness your name is a clothed Ms. McKellar.

Anyhoo, long tangent aside, this movie is funny and is not devoid of tits thanks to reality show veteraness Gabrielle Richens who lets hers out several times (including once in which they're splattered with blood). But, come on, when she's topless when her boyfriend gets chainsawed to bits and she's topless when she starts to run, shouldn't she not have her shirt back on when we see her just a moment later still running from the killer? We can take lapses in continuity when they go the way of more tittaliciousness, but not less! Anyway, we have to go home and cry... and whack off to the image of Winnie Cooper wielding a crossbow.