The Pet

REVIEW
We'd like to begin this Review by making a bold statement that the disbelievers among you will surely wave off as mere delusionary ramblings of a reviewer known to mix over-the-counter mood-stabilizers and sexual enhancers with successive shots of Jägermeister. But make no mistake about it; we have never been more sincere when we make the claim that this fine film embodies the single greatest and most ingenious concept and 'maybe-if-Scorsese-thought-of-that-he'd-have-a-fucking-Oscar' premise - that we, as skin-searching movie buffs (Get it? 'Buffs'...heh) and aficionados of fine cinema and video in all its forms have - in our short, pathetic lives - ever beared witness to...

...at least since Weird Science.

But like many great ideas, things can go awry; luckily for The Pet, no matter what shortcomings there may be, there is and will always be a vapid and naked chick on a leash acting like a pet doggy. And therein lies your genius.

The story begins - as many great ones do - under the most tragic and mind-numbingly painful of circumstances. Overcome from the loss of her dear pussy (cat), the pigeon-eyed and terminally-daft Mary (Andrea Edmondson) meets snooty Frenchman, and closet sicky, Phillip (Pierre Du Lat). Ever the innocent moron, Mary is at once charmed by Phillip's nauseating accent and patronizing politesse. After what must have been some truly riveting conversation (we zoned out here - probably due to all the clothes Mary still had on), she accepts Phillip's gracious invitation to join him at his estate where she can finally bury her stupid, dead cat. What, she was all out of Hefty Twist Ties?

Being the wealthy, asexual deviant that he is, it's not long before Phillip is throwing money at the poor, dim-witted American girl in exchange for 'companionship' and a little weirdo role-playing (even weirder than "Dungeons & Dragons"). All this (especially the role-playing, though the money can't hurt none) speaks to Mary in ways she can't fully understand. Which isn't surprising, given her apparent comprehension level is that of a third grader with a severe learning disability.

Before you can spell B-I-N-G-O, Mary puts her normal life on paws, seemingly content to scamper around on all fours, completely naked and spend her days chasing Frisbees for Phillip's sick jollies. It's as if she's been given a new leash on life. No longer wasting time barking up the wrong tree, this dog has learned a new trick and now she knows that being a 'pet' is what she was meant to do. Honestly, we couldn't argue the point if we wanted to. The poor dog-eared thing is effectively useless otherwise, and given the near nonexistent demand for living, breathing crash-test dummies, 'pet' seems like the only viable career path for someone with Mary's abilities (or lack thereof). She'd be chasing her own tail trying to find anything better to do with herself. We will say that she exceeds most manikins at staring blankly into space, although it's her full set of teeth and shiny coat that get Phillip's tail wagging. After all, the only difference between a girlfriend and a pet (besides the sex ...we hope) is that after a year, the pet is still excited to see you. That wily Frenchman knows this; why do you think he's got two pet girls and not one girlfriend?

The relationship between pet and master however, isn't all kibbles and bits. Like any couple, Frenchy and his bitch have their ups and downs. Anyone who's ever said dog was man's best friend never had a naked female on a leash, yet even this bond isn't as picture perfect as it would seem. Phillip, a pompous douche bag on his best day, will always be French (a personal pet peeve of ours) and Mary for her part isn't the most well-behaved pet naked chick. Never having been properly house-trained, she has peed in the mansion on at least one occasion. Not only that, but there isn't a leg to be spared her heated, horndog humpings, and don't get us started on the unsightly shedding and the constant, auto-erotic lapping (not that that's necessarily a bad thing per se). But not one of these obstacles could ever be insurmountable to two who share such a bond as that of Mary and Phillip. Because that's why God made rolled-up newspapers, right? There will always be more than one way to skin a cat and these two crazy kids will bite and claw to make this crazy thing of theirs last... for a few dog years at least.