Devil Times Five

SKINOPSIS

Before the Olsens, before MacCauley, before Dakota Fanning and before Playstation's multi-player digital murder sprees - little Leif (Leiflet?) Garrett and four of his sociopathic, rugrat playmates served as the best argument for birth control since Cousin Oliver emerged from the depths of hell to end the run of a beloved TV show (strangely enough the year this film was made coincides with the Brady bastard seed's advent. Coincidence?).

Devil Times Five was something of a family affair for young Leiflet - with his Mother, Carolyn Stellar, playing a sexpot wife (showing her bare breasts a few times, one scene involving a mentally deficient handyman and a girl-on-girl wrestling bout another in the bathtub), Leif's sister co-stars as well, as one of the other evil children. It's shocking to think that years later Leif's life would take a nosedive turn for the worse - degenerating into heroin addiction and cocaine abuse - what with such a hugely successful career as prominent child star and teen idol, a gender-bending film debut of this caliber aaaand his hot, hot M.I.L.F. mom's luscious, lickable, milk-filled mounds of maternal love to guide him ... a speedball doesn't really seem like enough to kill that kind of pain.

The film sees three couples staying at a snowbound lodge for a delightful weekend of catfights, retard seduction, T & A and other leisure time activities, interrupted by the arrival of five seemingly innocent adolescents. What they don't know is that these little rays of sunshine are in fact half-pint homicidal harbingers of certain death who were on their way to a mental institution when their van crashed nearby. And now, free and full of unbridaled evil, they are determined to nix any stupid adult in their path.

At once, our kiddy killers - cross-dressing David (Garrett), nun-loving Sister Hannah, army-obsessed Brian, other kid Mo and and the other, other kid Susan (Leif's sister, what's-her-name) - get down to business. Executing victims with the deadly efficiency of airborne Ebola and a murderous ingenuity not seen since the Nazi regime. Like true prodigies, they display the kind serial-killer creativity that could have Jason Vorhees hanging up the hockey mask with inadequacy issues. Instruments of destruction range from bear traps to rifles to piranhas - there's just no telling what these wacky kids have up their blood-stained Osh Kosh Bgoshs...