The Perils of Gwendoline

REVIEW
A kooky amalgam of bad acting, near incomprehensible plot, tits, implausible fight sequences, tits, funky costumes (see: tits), bizarre and trying characters, tits, and the most absurd dialogue awkwardly delivered with such straight-faced incompetence that it boggles the mind while adding all-new dimensions to comedy. This is The Perils of Gwendoline, a movie that is not just so bad it’s good, it’s too good to be this damn bad.

Tawny Kitaen (of Whitesnake video fame) stars as Gwendoline, a hot, dumb little thing with a nice rack looking for her missing father and the mythical butterfly he was searching for. Joined by her lanky, mammary-challenged friend Beth (French model Zabou), she stows away on a ship only to be discovered by some slave traders and consequently sold to some sleazy old guy. But lucky for the girls (well, sort of), sleazy went and pissed off the wrong guy. And that guy is the incomparable Willard (Yes.... ‘Willard’), a bad-tempered and incredibly abrasive dickhead whose truly loathsome personality is so unreal it’s nothing if not freaking hilarious. In fact, aside from the ample nudity and random bits of strangeness, it’s Willard who keeps this movie from descending into unwatchable drivel. Whenever things get the least bit monotonous (and they do...many, many times), our fearless, jerk-off of an action hero is there to save the day with a well-placed insult, bitter grievance or curt one-liner.

And so, after a bit of begging, bribery and death by grappling hook, the lovely Gwendoline somehow convinces the surly, tough guy to help her on her quest, and the three begin their ‘rousing’ adventure. An adventure that takes them from pirate-infested seas, to the jungle fraught with cannibal tribesmen, to the treacherous desert and so on - all the time getting weirder and weirder and weirder.

Many times it seems that continuity is completely abandoned and the plot inexplicably jumps and twists. At one point, after physically and verbally abusing the girls for over half the movie, an apparently bipolar Willard has a sudden manic episode and flips the script - becoming a chivalrous sweetie - declaring his love for Gwendoline, and actually showing concern for both girls’ well-being. Uhhh... Huh? Another sequence has Beth disappearing only to be found moments later unconscious in totally different attire (the fetishy costume worn by the Yik-Yak chicks to be specific). There are some dubbing issues too, especially with the Evil Queen; a character whose lip-synching is so painfully obvious that it would make Ashlee Simpson roger rabbit in shame.

Then, there’s the hysterically epic and unbelievably ridiculous ‘sex’ scene between the bound lovebirds. As our heroic trio are held captive, a now adoring Casanova-like Williard shows virgin Gwendoline what making love is like - by fondling her with a straw clenched between his teeth (?!) while a visibly excited Beth watches on. Climaxing with all three idiots laughing hysterically like they’ve been huffing gas fumes ...no shit.

And don’t forget the weird, wild world of the barely clothed ‘Yik Yak’ women... Seriously, a mouthful of LSD couldn’t produce this much deviant silliness. There’s some bizarro bondage stuff, an outrageous take on a Ben-Hur chariot race (with chicks taking the place of the horses!) and more than enough nudity to keep it sort of sexy. Like the bastard seed of Indiana Jones, Flash Gordon, Barbarella, Conan, the original Star Trek TV series, Caligula and countless Pulp-styled Sci-fi serials as conceived through the warped vision of a Hashish smoking, European freak who likes to read Wonder Woman comics when he’s not attending wife-swapping parties - Gwendoline isn’t so much a movie as it is an ‘experience.’