The Midnight Meat Train

SKINOPSIS

So Rachel MacAdams' douchey boyfriend from The Wedding Crashers plays a photographer who really wants to impress some bitchy artworld tastemaker (Brooke Shields) by capturing the "heart of the city" which, since this is directed by a J-horror transplant, is filmed in now-thoroughly-yawn-worthy blue-green tones. Meanwhile, he tries to keep his smokin' hot blonde waitress girlfriend (Leslie Bibb) happy and keep his apiky hair in place... no easy task when you're stuck in a crappy horror movie.

So Photo-douche (as he will be known from this point on) starts hanging out in the subway where he uncovers a never-really-explained conspiracy that mostly involves Vinnie Jones brutally murdering people on late night trains (14th Street, just after 2 AM which, frankly we've been on and is waaaaaay too crowded at that point to get away with stringing up and carving up corpses). Paranoid investigations and completely unbelievable bouts of putting his douchey ass at risk ensue. This unrated version naughties itself up by including a scene where Photo-douche has some gratuitous bend-her-over-a-bar-and-fuck-her-harder-than-she'd-like fucktime with blondie who doesn't show anything in that scene but certainly whimpers like a chipmunk trying to fit a squirrel's cock inside its snatch and a very quick gratuitous scene where blondie tearfully takes off her top for some photo fun with Photo-douche and flashes a millisecond of nipple to go along with the split-second of side boob. There's also some corpse titty on the train, but that's it as far as nudie scenes go... Anyway, there's a lot of gore and shit, but some coherence would've been nice or some originality or something. We'll leave you with one final thought: Is there anybody out there who isn't totally sick of J-horror at this point?