Bound by Lies

SKINOPSIS

It's the invasion of the shitty Z-list actors and even shittier plot! Pudgy, born-again Stephen Baldwin (Remember Twins with Schwarzenegger and DeVito? Steve is the DeVito of the Baldwin clan - the leftover crap) is the terminally-clueless Detective Max Garrett, put on a simple homicide case after being suspended for some stunt that left his partner dead and added nothing whatsoever to the storyline, the equally-bloated and talentless Kristy Swanson (Oh my God, What the hell happened to her?) plays an art photographer inspired by bondage and domination stuff (and a former rape survivior ...hmmm.) whose involvement in the case is initially ambiguous at best. Assigned to protect her, after losing the chubby-chasing, Swanson-obsessed killer (or is he? ...No wait ...He is. Sigh), Garrett and his new partner engage in every banal, cop movie stereotype known to mankind (coffee 24/7, suspensons, stupid stake-outs, pointless crime scene banter, marital problems steming from the job, sleeping with the witness ...blah). It all ends in a painfully dull finale that may induce violent outbursts in the viewer. Thankfully, Swanson (turkey dinner, anyone?) remains clothed through out, but our hero's hot, if whiney, Latina wife (played by Gladys Jimenez) has a nice topless scene (bound by silicone?) and so-close-to-sex scene with Baldwin that's cut short with the beep of a pager ("Sorry super-hot wife, duty calls! Gotta go flirt with the chunky, emotionally-scarred witness!"). Take it as a blessing, his fat face could've ruined the one pro to an otherwise bad, bad movie.

Suddenly Bio-Dome seems like a masterpiece.