Review

Jess Franco's Lorna the Exorcist is a work of sexually feverish madness at its most trashily sublime. The film opens with a woman clad in nothing but a lace blouse that just barely covers her panty-less vagina writhing around on a bed like a possessed cat in heat. As she rubs her body more and more furiously a younger woman enters wearing only a cloth white unbuttoned house dress that doesn't bother to cover up her tender exquisite breasts or her beautiful black shock of a bush. As heady psychedelic music rumbles dreamily on the soundtrack, the women circle each other eventually ending up rubbing and licking each other's bushes and glorious chest globes. These women are Lorna (Pamela Stanford rocking a nasty blonde wig and adorned in eye-gauging neon drag queen eye make-up) and Linda (Franco's longtime muse Lina Romay who, at the time is so goddamn young, tender and delicious we almost felt guilty getting so insanely turned on by her hot naked flesh) and it is their Satanic sexual bond that propels all the sleaze and nonsense that makes Lorna the Exorcist some seriously batshit crazy sexploitation gold.

About 19 years back Linda's dad was a broke loser trying his luck in desperation at a local casino. There he meets Lorna who uses her magic or whatever to win him a nice chunk of change. Then she takes him back to her place where she proposes a deal: fuck me, go home and fuck your wife right after, make a baby and give me the baby when it turns 18 and, in the meantime, you'll go from being a broke philandering prick to being a rich and successful philandering prick. Naturally daddy dearest makes the deal (hot pussy and mad bucks, who wouldn't?) but as Linda's 18th b-day fast approaches, homeboy's having some second thoughts. Lorna, though, is determined to get her grubby lesbian witch hands on his daughter's hot pussy any way she can.

Franco's direction of all this is at his borderline incoherent, skewed camera angle-happy finest. And, just in case you needed us to clarify, he unleashes the tits, ass and bush like a fire hydrant and doesn't let up. Let's put it this way, if you are a woman appearing in Lorna the Exorcist and you have any lines whatsoever, you are going to show us your tits, you're going to show us your ass and you're going to show us your bush. And we are going to love it. Granted only four women actually have speaking parts in Lorna the Exorcist, but they're all hot and they're all naked for buckets of screen time. In addition to the inital Lorna-on-Linda cooze-licking party, the two leads have a few other furiously hot sex scenes in which they lap each other's pubes like kittens on a catnip-covered scratching post, But the scene where they have actually have sex for the first time (see the first couple times they bang it's either imagined or in a dream or something - it's confusing... but fucking hot). See, in this coupling Lorna's finally revealing herself as Linda's spiritual mother who conceived her for the purposes of passing on her Satanic lesbian witch powers. Naturally passing on these powers involves Lorna biting Linda's lip until it bleeds, Linda sucking Lorna's tits like a baby and Lorna shoving a dildo that looks surprisingly like a severed cock into Linda's virgin-ish coochie before pulling it our and sucking the vag blood off of it. Yeah, this movie is that sick.

Speaking of sick, we should probably address the notorious "crab scene." Now we love watching sea creatures crawl all over women's naked bodies and all but watching Linda's mom (bio mom, not lesbo witch spiritual mom) scream her damn head off and cry out in terror while hoards of oversized live crabs crawl all over her fur patch just freaked us the fuck out. Although, thinking about it in retrosepct, it seems kinda hot. Either way, it's completely insane. Just like Lorna the Exorcist, insane... and totally awesome.

 -- Rick Stanko