Skinopsis

Helltrain isn't as trashtastic or tasteless as some other Nazisploitation joints like Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS or Elsa, Fraulein of the SS, but it makes up for its shortcomings by laying the kinktacularity as thickly as possible. The story concerns this crazy Nazi bitch (Monica Swinn) in a big old blonde wig that makes her look like a drag queen (she's not, they show her quite real Reich-sacks early on as an example of Hitler's idea of Aryan superiority). She sings cabaret and is apparently fucking half of the Nazi party as a way of compensating for her dead father's ideological shortcomings. She's got this Martin Landau-looking boyfriend who apparently joined up with the National Socialists while looking for a swingers convention, with some sort of high rank and who really seems to get off on showing off his bitch whenever he can.

Suddenly, Hitler's invaded Russia and those poor SS pervs at the front have got no one to empty their balls for them, so kinky Martin Landau gets the brilliant idea to get his bitch to form a brigade of Nazi sluts to take a special train to the front to turn those blue balls pure-Aryan-white again. The train turns into a brothel on wheels filled with horny older SS dudes and lots of prime cuts of skank lounging around in sexy underwear doing their best to keep these leches saying "Oh Ja."

The relative absence of titties (don't worry there's still more than a few handfuls) is compensated for by an overabundance of innocent-looking doe-eyed bitches getting felt up over see-through nighties and supersexy lingerie. Plus, if you wait long enough, the cabaret's singer super-smokin' friend turned prisoner (Sandra Mozarowsky, who would be worth a wank even if she were fully clothed) shows her tits in a love from above scene late in the movie.

The hottest scenes, like any Nazisploitation, involve humiliation. First, Ingrid (that's the drag queen lookin' bitch's name) strips down to her bra and panties to scold this ex-countess (Yolanda Rios) for not being whorish enough. When the ex-countess objects that National Socialism isn't about gratifying a bunch of pervs, she is stripped down to her sexy bra and panties and ridden around the room while being whipped with a riding crop by the Martin Landau-looking motherfucker. Then, late in the film, a bunch of horny Polish resistance fighters (who strangely dress like Euro-trash in the '70s) take over the train and humiliate the Nazi bitches by spanking them, making them piss on Hitler's portrait (although sadly this version doesn't show the stream) and repeating the ride and whip with Ingrid (what goes around, comes around you drag-queenie Nazi whore.)

Soon enough, the Allies come crashing in and the kinky colonel's dream of 1,000 years of Third Reich S&M comes crashing down as his great love is soon singing her songs for the Americans. But his dream lives on in all of us whoever thought that train rides would be better if they were filled with hot bitches who had to do whatever we want.

So come on down to Hitler's Brothel on Wheels and let the naughty little submissive sluts make all your dreams come true, you twisty little perv!

-- Rick Stanko