Review

This bizarro Eurosleaze horror feels like the exact dream one would have after chasing a "Lost in Space" marathon with heavy doses of Hammer gothic horror, 3 shots of absinthe, a hit of mescaline and some Spanish fly. How you'd sleep after that, we're not sure, so this film is the next best thing. We recommend turning the subtitles off. Sure, they'll help you figure out the vague outline of what, if anything is going on, but "sense" and plot are not what Black Magic Rites is all about.

There's a castle, there are tacky Italians and there are enormous quantities of beautiful European boobs, blood and torture. Plenty of women on crosses screaming as stakes plunging into their hearts sully their moutwatering breasts. Two gorgeous women have their black cloaks beaten off of them (revealing their amazing tits) by villagers who think they're demonic. The film's idea of comic relief is ragtime piano playing while a horny lech and an amazingly hot fully-nude blonde get to threewaying this tormented stupid chick. When she starts screaming for them to stop, they don't... obviously, but the ragtime piano keeps playing. Really, really bizarre, but really, really hot... just the way all movies ought to be.

 -- Rick Stanko